I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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