There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
