just tell him i said nine months
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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