I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
