I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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