Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
