Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
