There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
