me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Is it because I queefed?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
