I wish I could teleport
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Come on in and take your pants off
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