if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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