i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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