When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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