who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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