I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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