we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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