fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
