Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
