i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
