Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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