Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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