I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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