I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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