I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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