He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Let's paint friendship bongs
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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