Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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