i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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