if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
