The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
