Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
