I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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