Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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