i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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