"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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