Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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