alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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