I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
