it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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