did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
