I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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