I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
When did angry sex become our thing?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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