The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
