just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
