he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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