My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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