We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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