i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
