I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
