found the other keg... it's in the tree
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
