SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
