Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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