ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
This house was built for laser tag.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
