remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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