paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
All the doctor said was why
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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