My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize