Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
