I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
