so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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