Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
