i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
