i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
