Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
