Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
