Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
