I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
