I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
