I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
