then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize